So I finally decided to go ahead and blog, thinking that perhaps it would be the perfect avenue to relieve myself from the symptoms associated with neurosis. Though I just know and accepted that it will forever remain a part of my life, a quiet sense of serenity. I can feel the euphoric high and be productive altogether when I blog I hope.
I am obsessed with rhymes (clang association) and word patterns. Snippets of conversation, a phrase from a book, a movie line, or even a scent can easily trigger my memory. So often I refrain from watching television, reading a book or even talking to family members. My intense memory recall and oh so vivid photographic memory provides a sense of high which later turns into misery. Forgetting a single word is like a mortal sin for me. But later I realized this craziness I feel is nothing but energy, something that fades as soon as I start moving from where I am. I thought of turning my obsession into a situation.
The nagging need for me to hold and later expel my thoughts. A paper and pen can always come in handy when my obsession seems uncontrollable. But I noticed that when I am without those and outside my home, I can still cope without the fear and anxiety enveloping me. When I don't give in to the urge to list and associate, the neurosis fades. It only intensifies when I feed on it.
My mantra is damn if I do, damn if I don't. Do your worst, I don't care. And when I over think, I just tell myself, I quit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The acceptance of imperfection that I forget one but still remember a whole lot. I'm just so utterly attached to my thoughts, feeling that all the words and associations are like gems. That everything is a great piece of wisdom that should be kept and later unleashed. Call it insanity, I don't know. Writing relaxes and agitates me altogether.
For now I have to bid you all adieu for stretching my physical limits would translate into a manic state. Pain is my friend. Hopefully with blogging I can turn this 'curse' into an oh so wonderful blessing....
I am obsessed with rhymes (clang association) and word patterns. Snippets of conversation, a phrase from a book, a movie line, or even a scent can easily trigger my memory. So often I refrain from watching television, reading a book or even talking to family members. My intense memory recall and oh so vivid photographic memory provides a sense of high which later turns into misery. Forgetting a single word is like a mortal sin for me. But later I realized this craziness I feel is nothing but energy, something that fades as soon as I start moving from where I am. I thought of turning my obsession into a situation.
The nagging need for me to hold and later expel my thoughts. A paper and pen can always come in handy when my obsession seems uncontrollable. But I noticed that when I am without those and outside my home, I can still cope without the fear and anxiety enveloping me. When I don't give in to the urge to list and associate, the neurosis fades. It only intensifies when I feed on it.
My mantra is damn if I do, damn if I don't. Do your worst, I don't care. And when I over think, I just tell myself, I quit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The acceptance of imperfection that I forget one but still remember a whole lot. I'm just so utterly attached to my thoughts, feeling that all the words and associations are like gems. That everything is a great piece of wisdom that should be kept and later unleashed. Call it insanity, I don't know. Writing relaxes and agitates me altogether.
For now I have to bid you all adieu for stretching my physical limits would translate into a manic state. Pain is my friend. Hopefully with blogging I can turn this 'curse' into an oh so wonderful blessing....
Hi krist!
ReplyDeletenice to finally see your blog!