In Memoir of The Battered Baby

Children Learn What They Live (1959)
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn . . .
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight . . .
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive . . .
If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself . . .
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy . . .
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilt . . .
BUT
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient . . .
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident . . .
If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative . . .
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love . . .
If a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is . . .
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice . . .
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself and those about him . . .
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live . . .

WITH WHAT IS YOUR CHILD LIVING?
Dorothy L. Law

A Very Lovely Poem

Something to inspire the tired mind, here goes...

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

 (c) Max Ehrman 1926

My Favorite Things

Just when I thought there's nothing more sensible to write about, an idea suddenly sparked in my head while I was having a bath.  Here are my faves listed in no particular order:

1.  Books--- I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge and entertainment, books provide me that need.  At the moment, I'm reading My Life in France (Julia Child's memoir), which really takes awhile to finish.  It's more than a month since I bought the book and I'm only half way thru it.  I take very good care of my books, I have them in plastic containers and I don't lend them to anyone.  

2.  Pictures-- I just love having my picture taken.  It's a memory that will forever remain constant, given of course the proper care and preservation.  It's never subject to any wear and tear whatsoever.   

3.  Shoes-- Comfort and style, those are my standards whenever I buy one.  Gold is my favorite to collect now after pink.  I hate rubber shoes, it's only in PE class that I was obligated to wear one.  

4.  Clothes-- I love wearing dressy tops and colorful shirts.  I'm never a shabby dresser.  Your choice says a lot about you.

5.  Amulets-- I can not leave the house without them.  I am both religious and spiritual.  It's jade piyao and a mini rosary in my pocket plus the charm worn on my ankle.

6.  Nail polish-- Painting my nails relaxes me and it also shows my artistic side.  I make it a point to match it with my outfit.  I prefer those containing keratin to avoid nail discoloration.

7.  Body wash-- Pampering myself is always a must.  But I don't like those with artificial fragrance, it makes my skin breakout.  Body wash should be organic and infused with vitamins.  I love those with exfoliators.

8.  Vanilla-- My all-time fave scent.  I have it in my cologne, shampoo, body wash, room spray.  I love vanilla shake too!

9.  Pink-- A color I've never outgrown.  As a child, I was already exposed to it  but now I consciously want it.  I have my preferred shades though.  But I suppose the perfect one is the right combination of red and white with a little splash of orange.  There's a growing number of pink shades, let me name a few.  There's  candy pink, coral pink, hot pink, fuschia pink, bubblegum pink, baby pink, powder pink among others.  It's mineral pink that I like at the moment.

10.  Angels--- They emanate a sense of faith.  While butterflies hope and clowns love.  My last angel though was like two years ago.  I'm no longer compulsively collecting.  I have over a hundred and  I'm very much particular in choosing my angels.  Eyes, nose, and lips should look good.  Otherwise, I don't buy them.

11.  Dolphins-- They are nature's gift to man.  Next to whales, they are the second most intelligent mammals.  It's a joy watching them frolic in the waters.  Free-spirited creatures of the bountiful sea, they are indeed special.

12.  Strawberry Shortcake-- She's my favorite character since time immemorial while she has evolved  into so many looks.  I've got Strawberry Shortcake books, comics, dolls, action figure, wallet, bags, picture frame, a 45 record, and  an 11 minute dvd.  I'm not pleased though when kids after seeing her in my room, start asking their mom to buy them Strawberry Shortcake items.     

Well those are just some of my faves, randomly thought about. But let me add--- I can not forget, of course, the Web, last but definitely not the least, as my favorite.  It brought a lot of opportunity and inspiration.  I  am in awe, literally at a loss for words.  Without it, I won't be blogging.  Truly, there is always something new to explore, all it takes is just a little patience.   

My Drug Affair

I thought of not blogging today but suddenly I felt utterly bored soon after disconnecting from the web. I felt just not right. Coupled by the uncertainty at hand, the agony of waiting. While staring blankly into space, free floating anxiety. Compulsions stem from unexpressed artistic desires. So I finally relented. Again, I'm back to talk about me, myself, and krist sans once again. Something I enjoy doing, something that can make me feel good. Pleasure-centered, yes that's me!

Oh my never ending pursuit to look good and feel good. Talk about the tools of the trade. Drugs, not the prohibited of course. I love trying out all sorts of medicines which are mostly over the counter, something I've read or recently discovered or heard about. No need for doctor's advice or prescription whatsoever, I am my own doctor.

Okay let's get the ball rolling. I've tried alfalfa which is a deep herbal root. A very famous model featured in Cosmo revealed that it made her skin look like that of a baby. Royal jelly for that radiant glow. Bee pollen, I swear by its wondrous ability to heal and protect. Pearl powder for beauty and wellness. Grapeseed to combat harmful free radicals, an excellent anti-aging too. Melatonin for a more restful sleep. Pure aloe vera and cranberry aloe, both made me feel so nourished and hydrated. Evening primrose oil for pms. Powder drinks from Herbal Life, I like its taste. Intra is also ok, it tastes of grape. Like red wine minus the intoxicating sensation.

While the one from Forever Living is really very bad, I wasted my money on it. And this Glo-herbal thing, I had one hell of a day which coincidentally happened on a terrible hot summer. I curse this bitter concoction, I needed to force myself to vomit several times lest I die from poisoning. Combined with diarrhea which left me limp and dehydrated.

Glutathione for a clearer, even skin tone. Sadly, I experienced some ugly side effects after more than a month of taking it. I had a very painful sickness. Wisdom, an appetite stimulant, also for general well-being. For awhile, I totally basked in the glory of its wondrous effects. People stare at how I looked so different. Such a pleasant euphoric high. But lo and behold, after 28 days of taking it, yes I made a terrible mistake of withdrawing from it abruptly, I experienced severe difficulty in breathing. Chinese medicine is indeed bad medicine. Zinc for cell metabolism and enhanced performance. I had stomach cramps after taking it, very bad. Nicotinic acid for good circulation and blood cleansing. I took it twice with just the feeling of slight itchiness after several minutes of intake, bearable. But the third time I tried it, I felt so close to dying. My face felt so hot and red. I felt the blood literally rushing to my brain. For several agonizing seconds, I can not breathe, it's like my chest is heavily constricted! A caveat, never take this if you're blood pressure is low. It can really kill you. Phew, I realized I have quite a lot of mishaps there. What can't kill you can only make you stronger. Ha ha, does that apply?!

A combination of vitamin c and b complex. Good for the heart and immunity. I still take them. Better be on a daily basis. But vit c won't do any good if you're also low blood. While vit b if taken in higher doses can make your skin breakout. Not to mention fish oils, such as squalene and omega 369, all excellent sources of vit e which eliminates harmful free radicals (eg.pollution) that can cause cancer and premature skin aging. Combating depression as well. While claritin, an anti-allergy, always come in handy.

But the best by far for me is wheatgrass. It contains all the essential vitamins and minerals needed for proper body functioning and wellness. And because its alkaline based, it fights acidity which by the way causes a lot of havoc and illness in the body. It cleanses first for proper absorption of nutrients then it alkalizes and finally nourishes. I just love drinking it! It's costly but totally safe and effective. I plan taking it lifetime.

But above all these myriads and gamuts of supplements, nothing beats a good night's rest. Sleep can not be compromised. It's something I terribly can not do without. Plus it can also be a topic of interest on my next or coming blogs. I can talk about it more lengthily. So on that note, I'm ending this long but worthy compulsion. Thank you.

Stucked with Terminologies

Delayed gratification. Lately I've been experiencing it. Sometimes intentional, sometimes subconsciously. Simply put, it's not easily succumbing to my materialistic desires. Reaching that point where I totally want 'it' to its maximum peak. Otherwise, having it is not as gratifying. But alas when it comes to food, it's definitely the other way around. I succumbed to its pleasures whenever I feel like it. I'm still a picky eater though but lately I've been enjoying late night deliveries. Yeah loads and loads of carbs! Chicken, spaghetti, fries, and coke float at most times. Alternating with burger and pizzas. I swear by their ability to calm my nerves.

Desensitization. That doesn't work for me though. Repeated exposure intensifies the unpleasantness of it all even more. I have to go thru it in order to get over it is definitely not applicable especially when it's the pet peeves in question. Cats, ants, and mosquitoes are some of the benign but many pet peeves I have.

Cats are the sneakiest and freakiest (next to the ugly beyond redemption hyenas) creatures of this planet. Their scrawny form and yucky fur. Calico cats are so unpleasant to look at. The way their muscles contort especially their tails. Seeing such really unsettles me. I loathe cats entirely. But interestingly, Hello Kitty is another story. She's cute and definitely likeable. Sadly, she's a non-living creature.

While ants and mosquitoes are bothersome, they can be rid of just as easily. All it takes is just a keen eye and the sheer determination to extinguish. I should add though ants can really bite and it can hurt a lot especially that of the smallest and the biggest of their species. It's interesting to note that there exists a queen in their colony, making  them the most organized and cooperative group of insects. And they've got the most powerful antennas, sensing when threat is coming and death eminent. While mosquitoes can really be irritating especially when they make the zzzzz sound and hover above you.  They love to attack in the dark, however,  they can't survive extreme cold long enough to live. Mosquito bites can leave unsightly marks if scratched and left untreated. I have delicate sensitive skin so I really have to be careful and watch out for this pests.

But often all it takes is just a flight from the place these creatures thrive in. If I can't fight it, I simply walk away from it. Still it would be great blessing not to have them in existence.

The Wonders of Dash Games

I'm not really a gamer but just several months before, I came across the awesome time management games available from Yahoo, Big Fish, PlayFirst, and SpinTop. All did wonders for my so-called neurosis. I become so transfixed that there was a marked diminish in my mental activity each time I engage in 'em. All the unnecessary but automatic thought disturbances just go as soon as the game starts. I'm so really in the moment and I love the feeling of being hyperfocused! Racing thoughts plus speedy games is zero. It cancels out each other. Balance. Ultimate bliss.

I'm one stage away from completing the 50 levels of Wedding Dash which I immensely enjoy and find comfort in each time my coupling of thought comes into play. Indeed, it's a catharsis. I have all the Diner Dash series installed-- Hometown Gourmet, Restaurant Rescue, Flo on the Go, Flo Thru Time, and just today Diner Dash Boom 5 (where I emerged as the top player, I didn't expect it, after all, it's just a trial game!). I also tried Hotel Suite Success and Cooking Dash. Indeed, Flo and Quinn are my dear best friends now. Ranch Rush is also a great alternative plus the wondrous cow interaction there. While Coffee Buzz and Betty's Beer game kinda confused me. Jojo's Fashion Show enhanced the creativity in me. I love its effects. 

I'm proud that I know some of the simple ways to cope without the need for alcohol, drugs, and other ugly risky activities people usually engage in just to get a mental relief or an energy boost. Gaming is one of them though I must add, I do it in fashion!

Is ego the cause of it all?

Professionals, spiritualists, intellectuals say it is among the many causes of all ills. Perhaps. But in my own view, without ego there isn't much to look forward in life. It's what fuels me to live, to strive, and to continue living. Attachment they say is ego. But we live in a material world, we need things to exist. And often they remain when people go. They are constant. A shoes, a bag, a television can last for decades when given the proper care. In this day and age, materialism lacks depth. A lot of people excluding me, of course, don't give due importance to their belongings.

When a person resists, complains, blames, criticizes, envies, doubts, denies, judges, worries, lies, dislikes, disapproves, and competes, it is the ego playing I've read. But what then is the purpose of freewill, our capacity to choose and maintain a standard. When you wallow in the bitterness or negativities of it all, ego can really be an ugly thing. But if you channel it into something positive it then becomes a blessing in disguise. Envy can make a person strive for excellence. Doubt can challenge one's faith and without it, remembering a line from the film Exorcist, is not really faith. Worry can make one prepared and ready. Lying can save one from pain or heartache. Denying gives one the courage to stand up for one's own belief despite all odds. Complaining can awaken people to change what is wrong in the system. Competing gives one unmeasurable pleasure. And so on.... I believe in the saying the end justifies the means.

But, I also dare say, ego is good but should still be in moderation. Too much of it like any other thing or idea is not favorable, even to the senses. It can be totally intoxicating that one may not see and realize what really matters.

There are always two sides of the coin but then again it is not just black or white for me, there exists a gray area in all things. There is no absolute truth for it lies somewhere in between.

So again, the key is to strike the perfect blend of balance. It is interesting to note what I've learned in a newspaper article published last 2003 (yeah it really pays to be OC in keeping old stuff) where it says that service, which is a guard against ego, is a form of creativity. I used to dislike assisting in the household chore but just recently I came to enjoy it and gladly accepted.... all for the sake of art, isn't that wonderful?!!

Faithfully....

The key is to really set aside a specific time for blogging. To believe with utter conviction that indeed it will be the ultimate catharsis for my neurosis! While motivation can only be felt or grasp fully as soon as I plunge into action. Just feeling a certain high as I weave words like a tapestry. Oh yeah blogging is a form of vanity for often one just goes on and on talking about one's self. I enjoy talking about myself, it feels right for the heart. But certainly anything that the mind thinks the body would follow.

The key is to strike the perfect blend of balance. Each day my compulsion wanes and waxes. A certain euphoric high comes as soon as I recall something that is long forgotten and a feeling of misery when I fail to remember. But I always tell myself if it's important it will turn up. Often it does after distracting myself by means of physical activity. I find comfort in cleaning my bathroom. Another form of panacea.

The key is to being gentle to one's self and firm at the same time. Like a parent to a child. Knowing when it's time to indulge and to stop.

And of course knowing what matters. That is wisdom.

This is IT

So I finally decided to go ahead and blog, thinking that perhaps it would be the perfect avenue to relieve myself from the symptoms associated with neurosis. Though I just know and accepted that it will forever remain a part of my life, a quiet sense of serenity. I can feel the euphoric high and be productive altogether when I blog I hope.

I am obsessed with rhymes (clang association) and word patterns. Snippets of conversation, a phrase from a book, a movie line, or even a scent can easily trigger my memory. So often I refrain from watching television, reading a book or even talking to family members. My intense memory recall and oh so vivid photographic memory provides a sense of high which later turns into misery. Forgetting a single word is like a mortal sin for me. But later I realized this craziness I feel is nothing but energy, something that fades as soon as I start moving from where I am. I thought of turning my obsession into a situation.

The nagging need for me to hold and later expel my thoughts. A paper and pen can always come in handy when my obsession seems uncontrollable. But I noticed that when I am without those and outside my home, I can still cope without the fear and anxiety enveloping me. When I don't give in to the urge to list and associate, the neurosis fades. It only intensifies when I feed on it.

My mantra is damn if I do, damn if I don't. Do your worst, I don't care. And when I over think, I just tell myself, I quit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The acceptance of imperfection that I forget one but still remember a whole lot. I'm just so utterly attached to my thoughts, feeling that all the words and associations are like gems. That everything is a great piece of wisdom that should be kept and later unleashed. Call it insanity, I don't know. Writing relaxes and agitates me altogether.

For now I have to bid you all adieu for stretching my physical limits would translate into a manic state. Pain is my friend. Hopefully with blogging I can turn this 'curse' into an oh so wonderful blessing....